Trust?! Trust what? Trust that you cannot feel your pre-cum dribbling? Trust that you are so comfortable going sans condom increasing the risk you carry an STI? Trust that you were actually and sincerely shocked when you didn’t find a condom in your drawer? Trust that you cleaned your dick thoroughly after raw fucking the last girl you were with? Trust deez nuts, fool! Sure, I’ve known you for years but I see you every month or whenever your girlfriend loosens that leash around your neck. I do not know where you dip your dick regularly, penisbrain.
So I gave OkCupid a try and start talking to a guy for a while online. Everything was nice and clean, no sexual talk at all. Whew! I thought I found a nice and sane one, right? Wrong. The minute I gave him my phone number he started to text me pictures. Dudes, just because a girl finally decides to exchange phone numbers does not give you the green light to text her cock shots and turn into an XXX rated monster!
The first shot was innocent… he was laying in bed with his hoodie that had the Puma logo and a BMW emblem. Kinda normal….until……………….
It is safe to say that my OkCupid account is deactivated until I recover from this shit. Yuck. These shots are not even sexy to me.
Holy shit! Am I losing my touch or is my FWB/FB’s girlfriend tightening the leash on his neck? Damn, I could not get play from that motherfucker. My 1+ abstinence continues. *sigh*
Talk is cheap and sex talk with no sex is useless.
Friday night’s texts:
Fuck Buddy: I get no more steam pics damn
Me: I didn’t know you still wanted to see any. I might send 1 or 2 if you’re good lol (can’t he just walk into his bedroom and fuck his girlfriend? Or does he need some sexy pictures to get his dick hard before he gets it wet?)
Fuck Buddy: Deal
Really? No response back? Usually that means no more photos but I was so sure I would be able to book this fuck buddy for the weekend if I sent him some sexy photos. My stubborn side insisted on sending another photo.
*crickets* I threw my pajamas back on and went to bed wondering what he could be doing. Why not response? Is the girlfriend around, motherfucker? Then don’t sext me in the first place.
Saturday Morning I woke up to a response (finally!)
Fuck Buddy: Mmm (Is that all I can get?)
Me: Mmm (mockingly)
Fuck Buddy: Can I see the kitty maybe? Please do a little video
Me: What will I get in return? (Send me a photo you rigid fuck!)
Fuck Buddy: I wish I was in between those legs tho (Oh now you want to respond to a sexy picture from last night?)
Me: [insert a XXX sex here]
Fuck Buddy: Mmm sexy text thanks got so hard just now
Where is my XXX sext? Time wasted. Fuck.
Bitch. A hard dick does nothing for me if it is not presented to me. Stop sexting with no real play. That is like going to the beach and not stepping foot on the sand… going to the gym but not touching a weight or machine… eating a burger with no patty on the inside… ETC!
Sometimes it be Like That
Dear Fuck Buddies,
I am referring to you last 2 morons that I will call Moron #1 and Moron #2.
Moron #1, you motherfucker. You took me out on a date and pretended to be an innocent nerd. We met in front of a Starbucks and you were waiting for me with a paperback novel about the width of your dick. Pretty nice. You put on a front that you’re an ex-military bookworm but that image soon faded after I saw your pimped up ride which I later found out mirrored your lifestyle. We had dinner soon after Starbucks. During dinner you told me how pretty and funny I am and how your mom would love me. You even took the time to show me photos of your mom. Bitch, please. No need to lead me on with your “my mom will love you” load of shit. I already wanted to fuck you so just be honest and cut the shit. The first time your shirt came off your 6 pack was eye-orgasmic. The sex was incredible. You called me your porn star and told me our sexual chemistry was amazing. The many other times we had sex you would always insist on cuddling because you loved to cuddle. Sure. Walking me to my car afterwards and telling me “we need to go golfing… hang out… I want to take you to dinner.” You stupid fuck. I know what I am to you so there is no need to butter me up! I was excited to hear that you moved almost an hour away but found a job literally 2 miles from me. When you texted me last week telling me you’re moving to my city and want me to help you find a place I was excited for a good 20 seconds. Then I realized that even though your sex is off the wall amazing, you’re no good as a person.
Moron #2, I don’t even know where to start. You’re a mess but I give you credit for getting to know me for a month+ and spending money on nice dinners before having sex with me. I knew you for a year so the sexual tension built up for a whole year before we ever went out. Your problem is you also buttered me up for no reason. Stop the mind games. All of those “you’re wifey material… I can see a future with you….kids” bullshit wasn’t needed. “I like you a lot. I usually don’t wait this long to have sex with anyone but there’s someone about you I really like and I don’t say this to just anyone.” Suck on it, bitch. Sure you do say it to every bitch you fuck! You also moaned about how great the sex was but you soon faded away from blowing up my phone with texts to a text here and there to excuses for not being able to hook up. Your girlfriend has you on lockdown, huh, bitch? I know you think of me while you’re fucking your girlfriend. She will never suck your dick the way I did. You can’t teach an old hag new tricks such as deepthroating, love.
I am finding it harder to find a bang buddy than to find a husband. Isn’t that sad? I think finding a friend with benefits (FWB) is one of the hardest things I have had to do in the longest time. They either move, get a girl friend and have me on the bottom of the rotation list or their rotation list is too long to the point where I do not want to wait 1 month to fuck them so I kick them to the curb. Bitch, I am too good to be on the bottom of your rotation list while you are banging gross, raggedy, dirty, ugly girls.
The guys who can only last 10 seconds seem to be the ones texting me for regular sex. Yuck, no thanks. 10 seconds in bed should not even be considered sex. Um, Apple my dear please get a block list put on the iPhones. Thank you.
I will admit I have only had 2 FWB who have treated me like the sex god I am. The rest (not many more on my list) are the players who must have a rotation of girls to feed their egos. What I will never understand is why they cannot just stick to 1 or 2 girls as fuck buddies? Why create a long complicated list that includes ugly gross girls? If you are going to fuck other girls do not downgrade, bitch! That is insulting to me!
If I were a guy I could settle with regular sex from 1 girl if…
1. She was hot
2. Had a banging body
3. Fucked like a porn star
4. Gave good head
5. Was a freak in bed
6. Had a pretty face (Why the FUCK do guys bang girls with ugly faces? Black guys especially! If the booty is big they will bang it no matter how busted the face looks!)
Come on guys. Simplify sex you crazy ass creatures. I am sexually frustrated because of you all! My 3+ weeks of celibacy continues.
Sometimes I wonder if one race takes the lead but in the end, they both tank.
BLACK MEN- I love the confidence of black men and their physique. They are almost never too timid to express their thoughts
and feelings even if it is a blunt “Damn girl! You’re cute!” At least you know they dig you or not. They are so laid back, fresh, and absolutely hilarious. I have never in my life met an uptight black man. Last but not least their sex is UH-MAY-ZING! They lay it down well in the bedroom… freaks… love it. What’s the problem? The attractive ones smoke too much fucking weed. Yes, I can tell you smoke weed (bitch!) because your lips are as blue as a blueberry. Worst of all they are all cheaters. They will tell you they are single but they have a girlfriend (poor thing!) The crazy part is they will spend the time and money to wining and dining you and pretending they are single. Shit! I think they start to believe they are single until their girlfriends start blowing up their phones with text messages and phone calls. Hunnie, your man was with me! 99.9% of them cheat. If you are shaking your head then let me tell you one thing…your man was banging my back out last night, love.
WHITE MEN- Attractive, generous and very polite. Too fucking polite! Do white men ever start conversation or even approach a lady without needing to be drunk? White men need to be drunk to even have the fucking balls to say a simple “Hi” to a girl. Very sad. The sex? Meh. The good sex comes from the athletic ones who work out. Your average white guy just sticks it and pumps. Really? I think a dildo can do a better job. Really. White men cheat as most guys do but are not chronic cheaters like black men. Black men will fuck anything with a big booty even if the face is ugly. White men have more standards.
End of Rant.
Sometimes it be Like That
Morons, why can’t you just approach a female in public and say “Hi” and open a little conversation? Why can’t you smile and say “Hi” at Starbucks? Why can’t you ask us how our workout is going at the gym or what we are listening to on our iPods? Why can’t you give at least an obvious sign of interest when you are sober? That is why you idiots run off to Craigslist and post in the “Missed Connections” board searching for that cute interesting lady that you didn’t have the balls to approach at the Metro Station or gym. Good luck finding her, fools. It would have been much easier approaching her than jerking off at night and waiting for that Craigslist response that will never appear in your inbox.
Now you are hiding behind a screen. The internet and online dating has become your comfort zone; your crutch. When you spot a cute girl and you’re sober you just stare, think of all of the dirty things you want to do to her and move on thinking “eh I will just find a girl like her online later tonight.” Fuck you match.com. Fuck you, too, OKcupid.com eHarmony you can also screw yourself.
Have fun fishing in the ocean of online dating websites. Enjoy sifting through the souped up profiles of 98% of girls who yap about being foodies and are 100% into themselves. By the way, they do not look as pretty in person as they do in the profiles. Take that facts. As down to earth as they try to come off in their mile long profile, they will fuck you over. Learn how to differentiate between real profiles and fake ones if you insist on making online dating sites your go-to for dating, sex, jerking off, whatever.
Sometimes it be Like That